One of the shining tenets of Apple’s rumor mill is that timing isn’t your problem, it’s Apple’s. If you say Apple will release something in the third week of January 1997 and it won’t be out until Summer 2032, it’s not because you were wrong about a date, but because the product was “delayed”. Yes, Apple somehow screwed up and “missed” the release date that came from your uncle who works all the way at Apple. You’ll be 100 percent right when Apple finally releases something, anything remotely like the thing you said they’d release years ago.
Now that we’ve cleared the rumor mill of all wrongdoing, let’s take a look at some examples of how Apple has totally screwed it up again.
First, more than one expert predicted that Apple would announce its AR headset this summer. And why not?! For years we were told outright that Apple was “behind” this technology. Join us, Apple! The Macalope can’t shake a stick without hitting someone on the street with headsets from Meta, Samsung and Brand Z Headsets Inc. He can’t stop himself! Therefore, there are several restraining orders against him.
Now Apple is expected to announce an offer sometime in early 2023, but that will be an expensive device that regular Joes with classic Macs for heads certainly can’t afford. A more affordable option won’t ship until 2025 at the earliest. Even if Apple’s headset is only “delayed” for about a year, it won’t really arrive for a while.
But, Macalope, you say, how far along is Apple on self-driving cars?
OMG, SO BEHIND!
As you may recall, it was only seven years ago that experts claimed that Apple would be selling self-driving cars by 2020. I don’t know if you noticed, but it didn’t. Their expectations may have been skewed by listening gullibly to the man who said he was going to buy Twitter and then talked to the company until the stock price fell and then came up with a reason to not Buying Twitter about how his company was constantly just months away from shipping self-driving cars.
2016: “Two years to self-driving cars on the road – is Elon Musk right?” Somewhere, Ian Betteridge suddenly looked up from a bowl of soup, though he didn’t know why.
2017: “Elon Musk: All new cars will be self-driving in 10 years,” saying “Tesla’s first tier four autonomous cars will arrive by the end of this year.” They did not.
2019: “Musk predicts that the self-driving Tesla is just around the corner.” If that was true in 2019, you should have taken cover before it turned that corner and mowed down everyone in its path. The very genius father of who knows how many knew who stood in the way of progress, that’s for sure.
Elon Musk says he’s confident Tesla cars will be ready to drive themselves by the end of the year — if only regulators would allow it.
Stupid regulators! Make sure my robot cars don’t hit random kids who may or may not be mine!
Wait, is this why he’s so excited about making cars that drive themselves? So he doesn’t have to drive 50 kids to swim?
Anyway, the point is, no one should have listened to him. It was obvious that self-driving cars were years away, and they still are. Especially Apple’s.
“Into Apple’s Eight-Year Battle to Build a Self-Driving Car”
According to The information, one of Apple’s test vehicles nearly hit a jogger earlier this year after first misidentifying it as a stationary object. (No idea yet if the jogger was one of Elon Musk’s kids.) And this isn’t the only time Apple’s self-driving software struggles when the rubber hits the road.
So let’s not be in a rush to get these new products, shall we? It doesn’t matter who tells us they are around the corner.